Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Haunting

The boys are at the grandparents.

E is in New York.

And I am here at the house relaxing and rejuvenating.

Or at least I am supposed to be.

My big goal was to get a good night of sleep. And I'm not sure why that is eluding me so skillfully.

I mean, I did ride ten miles on my bike and run a 5k yesterday. I thought for sure my body would knock me out.

Instead I woke up at 4:00am, as usual.

I did go back to sleep but was haunted in dreams by ghosts of people past. Not people who have passed. Rather people in my past.

Oh. I am tired of this. I am tired of being haunted by people and situations I cannot control.

The friends I am no longer close to.

The friends and family I cannot please.

Outside of the dreams I am torn between letting go of situations or continuing to try. The thing is, I am tired of being the only one who tries. And being blamed either way.

I don't know how to rid myself of these conflicting emotions...and the guilt.

I need an exorcism.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I've always considered myself a realist. That glass everyone is talking about - well for me it's neither 1/2 full or 1/2 empty. It's just there. Sitting on the counter. Needing to be put away or finished. And most likely it needs a coaster.

Then this morning, as I was walking back to my car, shivering, I realized something.

I'm much more of an optimist than previously believed to be.

See, every morning I put on a t-shirt and my favorite, old flip-flops and head out the door. No sweater. No good shoes. Definitely no socks.

Always hopeful that the day is going to be warm enough and bright enough to fill my flip-flop wishes. Always optimistic.

And even when it's just a little too cold - like it was this morning - I still don't change my shoes.

Sunday, March 08, 2009


The last couple of days I've delved deep into my drawer of movies to the TV show section.  For most of our marriage E and I have been TV free - which in our case means we own a TV but do not have it hooked up via any cable to any broadcasting.   We agreed to do this early in our marriage after, in our first apartment, we had cable (including HBO) for several months.  We learned that we are both easily addicted to TV.  Because of that we've turned to TV-on-DVD for any shows we hear are hits.  Our old library, in the downtown of a relatively urban city, had a plethora of TV shows on we really lucked out.  

Unlike the library our personal collection of movies - although supple - has gotten old.  On top of that I've been working on a bunch of projects lately and have found myself drawn to old (old is relative) TV shows we do have.  It's nice, for me, to have some noise on while I'm working on things and This American Life or my latest playlist don't always cut it. 

Anyway.  The show I've been watching of late is my old seasons of Friends.  I'm not particularly proud to admit this.  At one point in my life I adored this show.  Sitting in my apartment with Leslie and the-blond-Shelly, wondering if Ross was going to kiss Rachel this time.  Feeling so giddy when they got together.  Wondering why no one ever got Chandler.  At this point I find the humor a little too middlebrow, the laugh track obnoxious, and the whole duck/chick/monkey thing absurd.  I think our latest TV-on-DVD show, HIMYM*, has raised the bar a bit.  As have life experiences.  

Still, I watch it.  And for one really good reason.  It's episodic.  You can watch one episode and then watch another from another season without a lot of work.  The whole episode is so appealing to me.  See, in Friends each "friend" gets an episode, or episodes.  One show might be about Ross or Ross and Rachel.  Another about Phoebe and her insane singing.  Another about Chandler and the mess of women he dates.  Or Monica and the many way she's cleans (though I do love that).  You get my point.  It rotates.  

Things also end.  In Friends there are times when pivotal plot issues arise in one episode, maybe carry over for two or three other episodes.  MAYBE.  But more likely than not they serve their purpose in an episode and disappear.  Sometimes it even seems a little odd that the event or storyline was so quickly dealt with.

It's a nice break from life.  Life doesn't feel that way for me right now.  Right now it feels centered on a few specific characters and their trials, errors, adventures, and lives.  

This is my own problem - and quite frankly my own creation.  I don't have any other screenwriters - although E does get some editing rights.  Again, by my choice.  And I'm working on it.  But it just seems so big sometimes.  Like I really am not writing my script anymore.  Or rather that the plot lines I wrote so long ago, that I thought would disappear in an episode or two, are not.  And I feel lost in the plot line.

(*PS- given that HIMYM only has three seasons on DVD no one spill any spoiler beans here!)

Thursday, March 05, 2009


Usually a gain isn't something we talk much of.  Unless you're pregnant.  Or on a wrestling team.

But tonight I gained.  1/2 mile.  

Turns out that route I've been running for the last two weeks isn't 3.0 miles.  It's 3.4-3.5.  

Yeah baby.

Sideways laugh...

For some reason learning that Mr. Duggar's  first name is Jim Bob has made me smile all day.   Could it have been anything but that?  

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


In church on Sunday we discussed the concept of paying it forward. It's a premise of life I've always believed in but haven't always practiced well. Especially because I do little acts of, usually, random kindness rather that large acts of selflessness.

One thing that really stuck with me, particularly at this time in life, was a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson collection of essays:

"Read the language of those wandering eye-beams. The heart knoweth."

I have struggled making friends since our move from Zion. I've wondered what I've done wrong, am I not dressed right, or why people don't seem to notice me. It has become such a self-involved activity - without really meaning to be one.

Hearing this reminded me that I see plenty of wandering eye-beams, people who look at me and maybe hope that I'll talk to them, but I remain so focused on hoping someone will talk to me that I see past it. And yet, my heart knows.

This week I'm going to try looking at people's eyes, meeting their gaze, and starting the conversations. Maybe this will provide what both of us are looking for...