Funkifried

I'm in a funk.

I think. I'm not sure really.

I'm doing everything I should be doing.

Running.

Working.

Playing with kids.

Amorous moments with husband I won't divulge online.

Meeting new people.

Chatting with friends.

Still. I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.

Perhaps I'm just tired - or fried as it were.

It's been a long five months.

That's it. That's all.

Unfair

This post needs no fancy words...no verbose ramblings of my mind.

It's plain. It's simple.

Cancer sucks.

It makes me want to cry.

It makes me want to never let go of anyone I love.

It makes me completely irrational. Forget anything I've learned about death, disease, and dying. Forget anything about cherishing a good life, even if it's cut short.

It makes me want to be violent.

It makes me want to storm into jails and beat up prisoners who live their lives in comfort after doing heinous things.

Because cancer's brutal truth is it strips life away from good people. Amazing people who live wonderful lives of honesty, truth, and beauty. And it robs them of all that. It does worse than rob - it ravages their very bodies and souls.

Sometimes it spits them out alive to face the world. Sometimes it does not.

It leaves their spouses widows. Their children parentless. Their parents childless.

Cancer is the very essence of unfair.

Damn, it just sucks.

The Haunting

The boys are at the grandparents.

E is in New York.

And I am here at the house relaxing and rejuvenating.

Or at least I am supposed to be.

My big goal was to get a good night of sleep. And I'm not sure why that is eluding me so skillfully.

I mean, I did ride ten miles on my bike and run a 5k yesterday. I thought for sure my body would knock me out.

Instead I woke up at 4:00am, as usual.

I did go back to sleep but was haunted in dreams by ghosts of people past. Not people who have passed. Rather people in my past.

Oh. I am tired of this. I am tired of being haunted by people and situations I cannot control.

The friends I am no longer close to.

The friends and family I cannot please.

Outside of the dreams I am torn between letting go of situations or continuing to try. The thing is, I am tired of being the only one who tries. And being blamed either way.

I don't know how to rid myself of these conflicting emotions...and the guilt.

I need an exorcism.

Random thoughts...

I just finished that lengthy post, and as posts do I started off with a different idea to write about than what I actually decided to do.

That being said I wanted to through a couple of things out there that are on my mind:

I cannot quite decide how I feel about the people who failed to heed hurricane evacuation warnings and are now begging for help. Part of me is pissed at them. Part of me feels sorry. I keep reminding myself that I live in an earthquake prone area where, when one happens, we received state and federal aid. Yet if I had specific warning I'd be outta here. Yet, haven't we had warning? Hum....this is a tricky one.

Watching all the Lehman Brother's employees file out of their jobs makes me sad. Reminds me of the Enron movie. Again I'm torn. Am I saddened by this or am I unsympathetic given that the failings of Lehman are being blamed partially for participating in the huge housing bubble that I've disliked since day one?

Jillian Barbari. Really? I'll borrow some observations made by Matt at WTHIM when I say she seems solipsistic.

Comparing the Metrolink train crash to America's 9/11? Please stop. Please.

Buyers Beware

In the past few days I've spent more time at stores, grocery and other, than I usually do in an entire month.  I've been searching out some items for a class I'm teaching and have been enjoying the hunt.  Yesterday I felt absolutely dismayed at the state of our human existence after one excursion and I found myself compelled to bestow my opinions on everyone (you, the reader).  Part of me would like to print out this note and stand outside of stores handing it out.

Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

Thank you for choosing to shop at ________.   I am about to shop here as well and hope we both have a good experience.  

I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to some basic shopping etiquette in order to make your time, but mostly my own, more pleasant. 

Let's talk first about shopping carts.  How fortunate we are to live in a country where carts are provided for us, at no charge, in order to make purchasing easy.  It would seem that if a store is polite* enough to provide carts for you, that you should return the courtesy by placing the cart back in one of the designated areas.   This is not difficult as there are usually multiple options for cart return.  If you find this is a problem for you, then park your lazy butt next to the cart return stall so that you can both pick up and return a cart with little effort. Oh, I know it's a fun challenge to your creativity to see how many wheels you can pop up onto the curb to see if the cart will stay or go - but couldn't that same time be spent walking the five to ten feet to the return?  And shame on those of you who fail to even attempt creativity and resort to the assumption that because a cart has four wheels it must be a car and somehow deserving of it's own parking space.  With the exception of a physical disability** there is no excuse for leaving your cart anywhere other than the cart return. If you do have a physical disability - or even if you don't -  ask for help when checking out.  They provide it for free - no tipping necessary!  

Once you've procured your shopping cart, and have a game plan for properly disposing of it when you're done, please take a moment to get off our your cell phone before entering the store.  I know those fancy new bluetooth devices allow us to walk around like robots - always connected to someone, somewhere, somehow.   Still, being on your phone distracts you while you are attempting to shop (and please, don't try to tell me this doesn't happen to you) causing one or both of the following:

(1) greater likelihood*** of purchasing unnecessary items because of lack of focus 

and/or

(2) stopping mid-aisle to finish a conversation while appearing to be intently staring at the 

products causing cart traffic jams or others to wait for you to notice them so that they can grab the item your cart is, no doubt, stopped in front of.

and/or  

(3) a slow, unaware pace as you walk around the store****, leaning into your cart with one hand pushing and the other hand, elbow on the cart, supporting your cell.  If you had eyes in the back of your head you'd see people glaring at you as they try to navigate around you.

Now I realize that we are all-important beings and I myself have wandered around the store, cell in hand, bluetooth in ear, doing my best at multi-tasking.  It doesn't work - for any of us. Not to mention the fact that grocery stores (and stores in general) were once places where you bumped into your neighbors, or chatted with the produce person about the latest arrival of white peaches - none of which you can while phoning.  

If you feel as though this is too strict for you, then at least adopt the following rule:  Do not talk on your phone while attempting to check out at the register!  If you surveyed cashiers I am sure that number two complaint (if not number one, which I am almost positive would be people who haggle over sale prices) would be trying to ring someone up who is on a phone call. Directions have to be given and re-given, questions asked and re-asked (Do you want paper or plastic?  Excuse me, paper or plastic?).  Not to mention the total lack of acknowledgement that often occurs when the cashier is not greeted, thanked or even given eye contact.  

Shopping should at the least be a successful experience, but hopefully fun as well.   In doing the above I believe that your experience, my own, and the other shoppers will be greatly improved. 

-------------------------------

*I realize that the stores reasons for providing a shopping cart may have more to do with increasing the amount of goods purchased rather than pure politeness.  But still courtesy is involved.   

**And yes, being prego counts as a temporary physical disability in my book.

***such a fun word to type but it always looks wrong...

****much like the way you drive your car when you talk on the phone.  And yes, there were a lot of footnotes.  This will be my last one I promise!

Pandora's Box

Have you noticed that once you've become aware of a subject that your mind finds connections to it from everyone? Here's an example:

When Will was diagnosed with Celiac Disease I started hunting for gluten-free (GF) foods. Now I see them everywhere! It was like the original exposure alerted my senses to a world I had not noticed before.

I believe we all do this. Sometimes we get introduced to a new musician and it's all we can do to stop listening to just their music. Or a new food and we can't get enough of it.

Well my little foray into consumerism, environmentalism, and use of the world has opened Pandora's Box. Not only am I seeing information everywhere I go now, but now I'm hearing discussions that, no doubt, were had before, and watching people make their own life changes.

My best friend TJ sent me an email with this link. I rarely send group emails out unless it's regarding our family but I had to send this one just like I have to post it here. The video is twenty minutes long so pull up a chair!

The Story of Stuff

And as always, I would love to hear thoughts.

My own welfare...

Several years ago, after receiving several awards for his contributions to environmental causes, Jim Fowler was quoted as saying "Sooner or later we've got to tie the saving of the natural world to our own public welfare."

No doubt, given his background, Mr. Fowler was talking about conservation of the earth's resources and minimizing our carbon footprint. When I read his quote it hit a different chord with me. Certainly I am investigating ways to decrease my own carbon footprint, rethink the relationship I have with 'Mother Earth' and teach my children respect to the environment. With the holidays having passed, and in such a frenzied manner, this quote and our relationship with the world mean one thing: consumerism. I spent most of the holidays absolutely amazed (borderline disgusted) with the present-purchasing movement.

You don't need to be a NOAA scientist to find the link between consumerism and the decline of the earth's resources. For me though, it is simple. In the madness that was the holiday season I found my notion of the world and it's people attacked, and my own personal welfare in jeopardy. In fact I mentioned to my Dad today, while watching the Rose Parade, that I longed for the simplicity of my youth. The days when watching the Rose Parade didn't make me smirk at the contradiction of a sign touting 'Preservation & Conservation' on a float filled with flowers that had been harvested solely for the purpose of a parading down the street. I've been to the Rose Parade and had a lot of fun spending the night, throwing tortillas, laughing at the horse dropping clean-up crew, and 'ahhing' at the floats. That was before I knew that it costs at least $3,000 to enter a float into the parade and at least $100,000 to build one. That means at least $4,944,000 just from float 'revenue' alone.

Granted some flowers are grown solely to donate their life to the parade. Granted this is a 119 year tradition that is honored by a lot of people. And I'm not meaning to pick on the parade. The example is a valid one. How many events, toys, products are exaggerated in meaning or price? How ridiculous is it that my bank has several teams of horses? That in addition to paying for the care of these horses they also enter floats in the Rose Parade!

In my own sphere, the only one I can influence, how ridiculous is it that my children spent most of Christmas day opening present after present after present? They were not gifts that we had bought, but I had failed to set an expectation with everyone else that my kids were not in need of anything. We've joked the last few days that out of everything they got the trumpet from the Dollar Store and the $2.00 airplane have been the hit!

My Grandma, who is in town, caught me at a vulnerable moment the other night and I found myself sharing more than usual (funny given what I share here). Eric joined us and we spent a good time talking about the mistakes made in the past. I touched on it in my previous post but the bottom line being: without clear goals Eric and I find it easy to put wants before needs and wants before future. She shared stories of stretching grocery money out for the month and then serving creative meals with any food in the house as the end of the month grew near. Her example of always picking up change she finds, even the now-neglected penny, because enough pennies collected meant 'a night on the town'. When we were cleaning up my Grandpa's things we found $49.00 in his wallet. She has made that $49 stretch - 'treating' herself to Taco Bell, a couple of movies at the dollar theater, and an ice cream cone or two. She still has $11 and it's been a month! How many of us can say that $49 would have lasted that long and treated us to so many things!?!

Credit cards were not options for them. Nor were pay day loans, or cash-advances. You saved up for the things you wanted and sometimes even for the things you needed.

When do we finally say: Yes! Less IS more. Less food on our plates wasting our money and growing our waists. Less gas being spent only to drive to over-priced movies, extravagant shopping malls, and big box stores. More time at the table playing games or talking with each other and less time tuned out in front of the tube.

When do we teach our children that the real message of Santa isn't behaving one way to get what you want, or writing long, detailed lists out but that of Saint Nicholas and his devotion to charity.

This post has gone on and 'off' more than I intended. Obviously there is a lot on my mind. Trying to revamp our life has made me think, discussing whether or not to teach our kids about Santa has made me think, learning more about Celiac disease has made me think, and reading posts like this one by Riana have made me think.

It is horrifying to realize that my own natural world is so polluted by things I've consumed. It all boils down to me realizing that it is time to take control over my personal world. It starts with the phase I am in now. Realizing that there will always be stuff to by and that more money doesn't mean freedom if you just buy the more stuff. It means realizing the links between working to buy, buying and failing, saving to not work, saving and thriving.

No this isn't a New Year's resolution - though the timing is about right. This involves a new attitude towards my consumerism, my nutritional habits, my time with my children, my time with my husband, my time with myself, and my effect on mother earth. And lots more to think about.