Thursday, January 28, 2010


This post needs no fancy verbose ramblings of my mind.

It's plain. It's simple.

Cancer sucks.

It makes me want to cry.

It makes me want to never let go of anyone I love.

It makes me completely irrational. Forget anything I've learned about death, disease, and dying. Forget anything about cherishing a good life, even if it's cut short.

It makes me want to be violent.

It makes me want to storm into jails and beat up prisoners who live their lives in comfort after doing heinous things.

Because cancer's brutal truth is it strips life away from good people. Amazing people who live wonderful lives of honesty, truth, and beauty. And it robs them of all that. It does worse than rob - it ravages their very bodies and souls.

Sometimes it spits them out alive to face the world. Sometimes it does not.

It leaves their spouses widows. Their children parentless. Their parents childless.

Cancer is the very essence of unfair.

Damn, it just sucks.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Beyond Caring

StoryPeople is some of my favorite art - the realistic sayings and the out-of-the-box art really jive with me. Bought my first piece about ten years ago...after a random stop in a Santa Barbara store.

Now I receive their "Story of the Day" via email. Some hit home - some make me smile - some make me teary.

This one is dead on:

Copyright StoryPeople

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Filled Up

This past week I attended a Forgiveness Ceremony at the church we've been going to. Unsure of what to expect I tried to set low expectations and open my mind up for anything. Even though I myself am a touchy-feely person I'm still not used to all the open symbolism and upfront honesty that comes with UUism.

I wish I could have taken everyone I know with me. We all carry the burdens of not forgiving - be it of ourselves or others - and it was amazing to sit with a group of people and meditate only on letting go.

Prior to going I spent some time thinking through what act of forgiveness I'd like focus on - who I have in my life that I am carrying a grudge or anger towards. Surprisingly I found myself struggling to identify someone.

I think that is because I have been working hard lately at recognizing the acts of graciousness in my life. I am at a place where I feel like each step I made is one surrounded by people I love (or like immensely) and their hands help me each step. I told one of my friends this the other day when I was thanking her for her recent help:

It seems that right now each step I take on my path of life is preceded by someone who lays down the next stone for me to walk on. Some would say this is a Heavenly Father. Some would say it's karma. Honestly, I'm not sure. At this point all I know is that it's some very real people who help make my life easier.

And when I'm faced with that it's harder to find places of anger and resentment because my mind is so aware of how wonderful my life is thanks to the people in it.

In the end I spent my time focusing on myself. Forgiving myself for past mistakes and bad behaviors. For not being where "I should" be in life. It was nice to take that time to heal myself. To forgive, or at least start forgiving, myself.

It's always hardest for me to be grateful for myself. To recognize my own value, and hard work, and strength. So perhaps that is my next challenge. To recognize the work I am doing, not just others, to make my path walkable.

For those who read this, our program for the ceremony included the following quote. I do believe we could all use and do a little more forgiveness, and a lot more gratitude, to find our lives more peaceful:

"I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior. I do know that when I hold onto resentment and blame I occupy my spirit with bitterness. Today I will find a more nuturing way to fill myself up."

Friday, January 08, 2010

Pee Wee

I've never been good at understanding sports - so I keep laughing that the only way I can think to explain this, without being specific, is with sports. It probably won't make sense - but I need to get it out.

See, I feel as though I'm playing in the major leagues but with pee wee credentials. I've only been playing this game for a few years now but many of those around are baseball giants. I'm expected to keep up, swing at all those curve balls, bat the home runs, and run like hell each time to home plate.

The coaches are yelling at me to stop - go - slide - steal - hold. Whatever it is coaches say. Or tell the players with their little funny finger wags. And that's part of it too. There are so many signals and signs that I see. Some that I understand, some I don't want to understand, and some completely understandable. And yet, I'm expected to understand them and to make my move from them. And to play in the big league.

And yet, I'm really just this kid. Who doesn't want to be hitting at all. I just want to be playing. I just want to be smiling at my friends as we toss the ball around. Learning how to pitch. Learning how to swing. Learning what moves make sense well.

My time would be best spent back in my league. With my players. With my friends.

And I don't know how to get out of it...and I can't help but feel like I owe it to the major leagues to stay because I'm the only one they recruited.