Sunday, January 15, 2012

Resolution - evolution

I'm not usually one for New Years resolutions.  Personally I think its tough to start a year off with a bunch of changes in the hope to change yourself in 365 days.  For me its much like the notion of a running a marathon having never run before.  Little bit overwhelming.  Ok even a 5k is overwhelming to me!

I do think, however, that it is always good, when given the chance, to reflect on the things we love about ourselves and those we wish to improve upon.

Today I was given the chance to think about one particular way I'd like to evolve. 

My mom called at some point this last week to tell me she'd invited some mutual friends to my parents home for dinner - and would we like to come...hum...would we like to come???

Pause for some background:  The last few weeks have been busy - crazy busy.  Actually more than a couple of weeks.  In fact it seems like since October I've been running pretty much non-stop.  We've been traveling (fun!) and holidaying (fun and stressful!) and attending to normal life stuff.  And...the crucial piece....E has been under an immense amount of stress.  This means long (LONG!) hours.  Frustration.  Days gone.  Late nights.  Tough conversations.  He's been gone a lot - both physically and mentally.   And when he's home I've been in "listening" mode.  Cheerleader.  Supportive wife.   It has been difficult.  For both of us as I've dealt with our normal life and he's focused on his work life.  I'm not complaining.  Its a role we have both played for each other.  Just giving some scope.

So when my Mom called I said I'd think about it....but (and this is the crucial part) my gut said NO!  Partly because I thought about taking the boys down to the hotel Eric is at to swim and spend the night before I have to work tomorrow.  But mostly...because I knew I'd be tired.

But I said I'd think about it.

And when she called again yesterday, in the midst of an incredibly busy day I again said "I'll think about it". 

I didn't follow my gut instinct.

So when she called again today (holy pressure!) and I finally said what I knew all along "No."  I'm whooped.  And while it would be nice to see these friends it would take energy I just don't have right now.

I could tell she was upset.  Or disappointed.  A feeling that would have been lessened had I just said how I felt in the first place. 

And this is a familiar feeling to me.  Knowing that if I'd just said what I needed to at first that the disappointment would be lessened.  Or at least dealt with earlier.  Yet, in an effort to avoid disappointing people, I think I try to stall in hopes that I can find the energy or arrange schedules or do something to fix it so I can avoid the disappointment.  Yet the whole time I ignore my gut instinct.

So that is my hope.  Not necessarily to be completed in a year...maybe it will take more or less time.  I'd like to try and find a way to go with what I be ok with going with my gut.  Even if it means hurt feelings, missed adventures, or the big D word (disappointment).    I'm not sure how to accomplish this...maybe just taking smaller steps...

For now I'm just glad to have identified for the rest of it...well I'm too tired to figure that all out right now :)