Thursday, February 05, 2009

Keep on keeping on...

I've been waking up far too early.  Again.

This is a pattern that emerged for me a few months ago and then disappeared.  Or so I thought.

4:00am.  That's when the call to arms goes off in my head.

Actually it's more like this:  

At 2:00am I wake up.  Stretch my legs and roll back over.  Fall into a deep enough sleep to get some funky dream going.  This morning's was about being at Coachella. Each night my dream reaches some critical, dramatic stage at which point I open my eyes, still dazed and confused, but alert.  I look at the clock.  Maybe it says 4:00.  Maybe 4:15.  Maybe even 3:45.  I try in vain for 20-30 minutes and then realize that sleep is not going to come.

I try my old standby - a book in bed.  Nope.  

I try listening to and following E's deep, rhythmic breathing.  Nope.

I get out of bed.  Check on the boys (assuming they aren't already in my bed).  Move to the couch or the kitchen table.  I'm up.  I might as well be up.

And then slowly but surely the thoughts that were steering my dreams start clarifying themselves. Soon my heart is racing. My mind is filled with thoughts, ideas and problems.
Being a problem-solving type I begin to try and solve things in my mind.  But I forget one thing.

I am tired.

The tired doesn't help me try to clarify or solve anything.  In fact the best advice I got from those silly little games they play at wedding shower was "Give yourself permission to go to bed when you're angry.  Staying up will only play tricks with your emotion and mind.  Things will look clear and be solved better in the morning." (thanks Aunt N!).  That is the same for dealing with my own world issues.

So in an effort to both cleanse my mind and put things in a place to deal with later, here are the things I'm thinking about, trying to solve, worrying about, etc.

* Running.  I am supposed to run but my legs are still incredibly sore (and unbelievably warm) and I'm not sure I can get my mind in a place to make my body do it. *
* Elementary schools. Finding a place that I can trust with both his mind and his mouth is a new challenge. *
*  The economy.  Particularly the job market here in this area.  *
*  Her.  She knows who she is.  *
*  The other her.  And her entire family.  Or most of them at least.  *
*  Asia.   Canada.  And the relationship between them and our family.  *
*  a 5k.  Feeling totally unprepared mentally or physically for it.
* Vegetables.  How do I get them in him without a battle?  How do I get him to eat anything but cheese and carbs?  
*  Yes job. No job. Day job? Night job? Anything I can get job? *
*  Charter school.  Le Grand Elementary.  Homeschool.  My Mom's school.  *
*  Family vacation.  Why did I volunteer to plan this?  Am I taking too much charge or not enough?  *
*  Menu for Valentine's lunch.  *
*  My thoughts.  I worry about whether I worry too much or too little about things.  Yes, I did just say this.  *
*  Running a damn race.  What was I thinking?  *
*  Bills, checks, money in, money out.  Money to come.  Where should it go? *

Well that feels better.  So much better that my eyelids are heavy.  

Oh wait...I hear the stirring of little bodies.  Soon it will be time for breakfast.  At least that isn't on my list!

1 comment:

Michelle said...

I can SOOO relate to this, but for me, it happens at night and I can't fall asleep.

No matter how tired I am in the morning I can't force myself out of bed once second earlier than I must. But the stirring of those little bodies (ok well, that little body), it is music. Better than my alarm clock, better than the birds chirping, better than a hot shower to shed the morning fog.

I think we should take a lesson from our kids that each day is a new beginning, and while the problems from yesterday may still be there, pancakes and fruit make everything better...if only for a second.