Running away

Tonight was one of those nights.

Not with the kids.  Not with E.  Just in my head.  One of those nights.

I found myself already crying as I tied up the laces to my shoes.  Knowing that I need to run in order to run away.  

I wish I could say that my total motivation for running and for doing the 5k was myself.  Better health, better shape, better lung capacity...

Tonight though the other reasons reared their ugly heads and propelled me out the door and through the streets of our town.

Mostly I ran away from her.  She is haunting me and there are days when I cannot bear it.  My guilt over walking away.  The responsibility I feel for making sure she's ok.  The disappointment I feel in myself for not being over the pain and strain of that friendship.  

I ran hoping that I could run away from all that.  That each step I took might shake off some of this emotional weight.   

I don't know how to move past this.  I don't know how to not feel guilty that I should be more - could be more.  

But I'm trying.  With each foot and mile I run I'm trying.