To celebrate

Things to celebrate this week:

An amazing evening with a friend.  Hours went by and more hours could easily have passed.  No subject left untouched.

Watching both of my children discover the power of holding and writing with a pen.  

Breaking down boundaries between cousins.  I love them and am not always sure how to say it.

Chinese New Year.  

Time with the BFF and her two kids.  More time than we've had in a long time - and still not long enough.  Falling in love with both her kids.

Hitting mile 40 of my running.  One month, forty miles.  Awesomeness.  

Having my first portrait done by my son.  Loving childhood perspective.

Running away

Tonight was one of those nights.

Not with the kids.  Not with E.  Just in my head.  One of those nights.

I found myself already crying as I tied up the laces to my shoes.  Knowing that I need to run in order to run away.  

I wish I could say that my total motivation for running and for doing the 5k was myself.  Better health, better shape, better lung capacity...

Tonight though the other reasons reared their ugly heads and propelled me out the door and through the streets of our town.

Mostly I ran away from her.  She is haunting me and there are days when I cannot bear it.  My guilt over walking away.  The responsibility I feel for making sure she's ok.  The disappointment I feel in myself for not being over the pain and strain of that friendship.  

I ran hoping that I could run away from all that.  That each step I took might shake off some of this emotional weight.   

I don't know how to move past this.  I don't know how to not feel guilty that I should be more - could be more.  

But I'm trying.  With each foot and mile I run I'm trying.  

On the outside

I wonder.

Does he approach the door on nights like this and, upon hearing the noise inside, pause with his hand on the knob?

Does he know how tired I am and, being tired too, want to turn and walk away?

Does he here their cries and want to help?  Or turn away?

Or is he like me - does he pause, take a deep breath and move inside?

On better nights does he quicken his step in anticipation of the meal I've cooked, the boys who will scream his name, and the fun we'll have?

Does he hear our giggles from the outside and long to be with us?

I wonder what I'd be like, if I were the one coming home.  How, after a long day with tall orders from the bosses and a depressing economy, I'd feel coming home to a sick wife, healing children, and an empty table.

From the outside would I pause at the knob, filled with mixed emotions about walking inside.  Knowing my day ended just for it to begin again.

Would I skip home eager to meet the faces that greet me - or would I turn and walk away?

Kickoff!

I love New Year's.  The reflection on the year past.  Counting down till midnight.  

But the whole resolution thing and I have mixed feelings about each other.  I often start the year out, journal in hand, attempting to fix all the problems of the last year in tidy resolutions for the new.  Sure I can loose all the weight, exercise every day, always have a clean house, never yell at the kids, continue to work on good communication with E, always write thank you cards, blog twice a week, start forgiving myself for past mistakes, make new friends, keep the old...etc.

And within two weeks of writing my resolutions I feel overwhelmed.  If I stop meeting my own expectations I start feeling guilty.  The guilt leads to disappointed and then I spend much too much time feeling disappointed with myself - which then I decide to resolve at the next New Year.

So this year I'm doing it differently.  I started working on things I want to resolve months ago.  Actually I've been working on resolving things as I've noticed their appearance in my life.  And thus far, no feelings of overwhelm.  No anxiety.

Except....I started to feel anxious about not having any real New Year's resolutions.  Should I make at least one?  Which one should I pick?  What if it leads to others?  What should I do with those?

Oh lordie.  I just can't keep up with myself sometimes.

So I back off thinking about it.  While in San Diego I starting noticing all the people walking around wearing green and yellow.  Cars drove by us with decorated windows.  A few people even had their faces painted.   Sports fans!  There for the something-bowl between Oregon and someone.

And it hit me.  For one year I am going to be a sports fan.  I know nothing about sports - only briefly cheered my Utes on when I was in school there.  E loves sports but does relatively little about them since (a) we don't watch tv and (b) I don't watch sports.

It will be fun.  It will be new.  It will give E and I another reason to be hanging out together. And since seasons start all through the year I can balance the resolution out.  

I have no idea how I'll pick a team but once I do, here are my rules:

(1) Choose one team from the following sport genres:  basketball, football, baseball, and either soccer or hockey.  

(1)  I cannot pick a team who won a championship last year unless it's a local team*.

(2) I must read about each sport, learning the language and rules before each season begins.

(3)  I must watch at least four games for each team in each regular season.

(4) At least one of the five games must be watched at a sports bar with rowdy fans.

(5) At least one of the games I have to have my face painted.

(6) I must drive a distance to attend one game.  If it's not for one of my teams then I must assume the position of fan for one of the teams playing.

(7) If chosen team enters the playoffs, I must watch each game they play in.

E seems to think if I'm to immerse myself into the sporting world that I must also join a fantasy sports league.  I told him that I'm not trying to be a sports fan AND a nerd.  

Since basketball already started and it's season is so short in the year if I wait till it starts up again, I'm going to pick a team already in progress.  

So sure, there are other resolutions kind of wrapped up in this.  I can't help it.  

But mostly, I'll have fun.