I wanna be Lou Manahan!

So I was originally going to call this post 'I want to kill myself' but I figured that would spark a frenzy of worry that would spread like a wildfire through the three people who read this blog.

Let me be clear. This is not a cry for help. I do not want to kill myself - well not literally. Rather, I'd like to just pretend to have died and yet not have to do any of the actually suicide part.

I was on the phone with my best friend, TJ, talking about the frustration I am feeling about an upcoming trip I am making and my attempt to 'surprise' someone, which is turning more and more into a given, and not by my choice.

The complaint in a minute:
My children and I are taking a road trip. On said road trip we were hoping to surprise someone. I contacted another person in the hopes to get help with the surprise but also make sure that there were no conflicts with us visiting. This 'other person' is having trouble keeping it a secret and is asking for me to stop keeping it a secret. Bottom line is that it has become a control issue between me, the 'other person', and the person to be surprised.
Ok, my minute is over.

So I was telling TJ about the problem and how it would be great if we could just not have to deal with stuff like this and the other stuff she and I were talking about. TJ mentioned that in a show she'd watched, a character, Lou Manahan, had faked his own suicide as a method of escaping his life.

That sounds wonderful to me! I'd let a select few, my kids, maybe a couple of family members plus one friend, know that I'm really ok. Then I'd have a funeral, hear all the nice things people had to say about me, let them say goodbye, and it would be done.

Of course that isn't fair...making people grieve as a way for me to escape relationships, but still. And suicide is a serious issue - and I've lost friends unnecessarily to it. But if you for one moment forget that, there is something calming about never having to answer the phone calls from the people you don't want to talk to, to escape the bills, the expectations, etc.

In reality, just like Lou Manahan, I'd get to my own memorial service, break out in tears, and revel the truth to everyone. Then I'd have to live with the guilt that I feel about the whole thing.

Still...