Tuesday, May 01, 2007

It's not you, it's me...

The dreaded line of 'It's not you, it's me'. Quite the staple of any relationship break up. You hate to be the one to hear it and you hate to be the one to use it, just because they might ask you to explain it more.

So here is my dilemma. I need a break-up. With my friends. No not all of them. Not even the majority of them. You know how you have those friends in your life who seem to call only to talk about themselves and always need you to wear your 'therapist' hat?

Well I seem to be surrounded by them. And I am so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally! Between the upcoming move, ending a rough semester of school, working on a convention, having two young kids, my own depression, and now finding out Wi has celiac disease - I just have a lot on my plate.

But they keep calling. One because her husband lost his job, can't seem to find another job, and they are in drama. They are always in drama. One because he just accepted that he is gay. No doubt he will need lots of love and support. One because her boyfriend dumped her and she really needs to talk.

And it's not just that - it's that every time we talk it is always about them. Like my friend just called, and I'm pooped and it is obvious. He asks how I am, I start explaining and when I am done, there is nothing. No response, no 'Gosh, that sucks' or 'How can I help' or 'That must be hard'. Instead, it turns right into the reason that he called me. How does he tell his best friend that he is gay.

And I just cannot do it. I cannot be the ones to walk them both through everything right now. I have my heart and soul and mind full. Right now I feel like I really need people to talk to.

So what do I do? I feel like ignoring their calls and their messages is mean, and just not me. Yet I feel like telling them I cannot be their friend anymore is mean too.

How do I say 'It's not you, it's me' and have it not hurt? I love these people. I really do. They have been wonderful people in my life at different times and for different reasons.

I just feel evil. Am I not trying to hurt them? Or am I not trying to hurt myself by having someone in the world that just might not like me.


Terina said...

i say stand up for yourself. i have no idea who this gay person is, but you could tell him something like "i know this is hard for you right now. i would like to be there for you, but i need to deal with my own issues right now. if you cannot listen to me the way i have listened to you, then you need to find someone else to listen." or you could just be really mean too. whatever comes the easiest. you could just stop taking their calls. change your email and not tell them. not tell them you're moving. don't give them your new number. all kinds of ways to cut the cord. you don't want people sucking so much life out of you that you have nothing to give to your family. and sometimes i think that you are doing that, but are oblivious to it. and its just because you are trying to do the things that you feel are the right things for you. but drop the friends that are pulling you down!!!! you don't want to go down with them....

Florinn said...

When people are keeping you from growing, its time to let go.

That doesn't imply being hurtful, but distancing yourself from someone who is not emotionally healthy for you is self-protective.

Another thought to consider-electromagnetics. Perhaps wearing a magnet will help keep your energy fields closed so listening to your friends issues will not be draining for you. This has worked for several of my friends in situations like yours, as odd as it may sound.