Monday, October 02, 2006

My Dear John

October 2nd 2006

Dear John,

I can hardly believe how fast time has flown. In a few short months we would have celebrated an anniversary together. The ninth. They, whoever they really are, say that time will heal all wounds. I am starting to believe that they never had a wound like this. When we broke up I walked away thinking I knew you. Thinking I knew the situation. The more time has passed the more I feel blindsided by who you really are. I’ve been shaken to the core by these revelations.

It will take me a lot of time to regain my confidence, confidence I feel you stole from me. You may revel in this news. You may gloat that you captured another person and sucked the soul out of her. It’s funny, I guess, because the people I met when you and I first connected all warned me. Many of them said I would give my life to you only to lose it in the end. Many of them said that you would take until there was none left. It’s all true. It seemed somehow exciting at the time. Like giving that much to you would be magical. The torture comes not from their warning but from my delusion that it would, WAS, somehow different for me. We spent all that time together, some good some bad, but each day I thought I was making a difference. Each day I thought that with me, you’d be different. Of course now that it is over I see how blind I was.

The part I feel the most angry about is that fact that I am so angry. I was the one who chose to end our relationship, yet I feel like the one who got abandoned. I feel angry towards the people we shared as friends that no longer are my friends. I feel angry towards the person you are with now, as if they would have been able to change you, or control you. I feel angry with myself for believing that things were different. I feel so angry that I have started to doubt myself. Too many moments have been wasted by me thinking about whether I did things right, or if I could have been better. Too many moments have been wasted crying or swearing or grinding teeth. I’ve wondered so much about the people I thought were my friends when I was with you. Wondered where they are now. The reality is that if they were only with me because of you, they will never be the kind of people I love.

You will never be successful. You will never have a relationship that is healthy. You will never grow. You will never keep people around because of love rather than fear.

I was amazing with you. But not because of you, not at all. I thought I was powerful because of you, but I am powerful on my own. I regained my power when I walked away. Someday I will remember what I was like and I will realize that I haven’t lost myself at all, but have rather found myself. I am successful and will continue to be. I have more healthy relationships than I can count. I continue to grow and I will never allow myself to be stagnant again, like I was with you. I will never be scared of you or anyone else again. I will never stay hoping that the next day someone will love me more than they did the day before. I will never give more to someone that won’t give back to me.

In the end, which is what this is, the anger is still there. It won’t be there for me always though. I look into the eyes of my new loves, the people that I surround myself with, and I see a reflection of a strong, passionate, happy woman. And maybe I’ll have a moment where I’ll think of you, and I’ll hope for the best of the people in your life. I’ll hope that they’ll walk away from you too one day, and that they’ll seek something better than what you could ever give them. That moment will be sad but fleeting. Then I’ll go back to the world I live in, the one with you not in it. The world I chose.

This is all. I cannot go on being angry. I cannot go on feeling this way. I do not want to waste anything else on you.

Letting go,

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