Sunday, February 10, 2008

The other side of the fence...


One of my favorite blogs to read is Scott W's. He's one of those people on the blogosphere that I'd like to meet in real life. His blog provides daily refreshment to my reality driven mind. He blogs, in very short bursts, of things he is grateful for, hence the name 'Attitude of Gratitude'.

It is easy for me to be focused so much on what did not happen, what I failed to do, and what is left to do. Reading through his simple treasures always reminds me of what I was given during the day that I easily forget. But this isn't even the best part of his blog. The best part is that he always has incredible quotes. This one has been on my mind all week:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;
but remember that what you now have was once among
the things you only hoped for.
~Epicurus~

I have found myself driving by homes with 'for sale' and 'for rent' signs quite a bit lately. And with that house lusting I have been yearning to be in a different place than we are. Moving back home with my own family to live with my parents has been much harder than I anticipated.

Not in the physical sense. My parents are incredibly busy, very respectful of space, supportive of our parentings ways, and always up for a good chat or a game. Very few people could live with their parents for any length of time (even just for a holiday) and enjoy the experience.

For me the hard part comes in regards to my pride. And also in regards to where I thought I'd be at this part of my life. Every time someone asks if I am STILL living at home I feel a flake of self-esteem shedding away. Even if they do not mean it with emphasis on the 'still'. Each time I reflect on where we are and what we are doing it seems I am quick to blame someone other than myself. Then I remember that, while the specifics are maybe not what I hoped for, the desire for this change was mine:

I wanted out of Utah. Desperately.

I needed E to engage in a career that was healthy for him and for our bank account.

We wanted to explore a new chapter in our life.

We agreed that I should be home with the kids and that Eric should be working towards an international adventure.

When I start picking apart the pieces of what I had hoped for, it all makes sense that it led us here. That flip in thinking, of starting with what had been desired and wished, and then looking at how it blossomed, is so helpful. Instead of feeling trapped by my circumstances I realize how fortunate I am to have all of those desires come true.

It always reasserts that the power is in my hands and has always been.

I am at home with the boys. If I wanted to I could get a full-time job we could move out. It would be quick and easy. But what was my choice?

We really want to have our international living adventure. The company he now works for has room for growth that direction, more than we have experienced with any of his companies before. The company is also actively preparing him for that direction too. Sweet!

He also loves his job and is incredibly good at it. With only nine months of employment he's been promoted, given a raise, and a delicious bonus.

Wish...check! Wish...check! Wish....check!

At work we used to talk (borrowing from Steven Covey) about working on what is in our 'sphere of influence'. I'm such a visual person that this phrase is solid for me. I used to imagine, when a problem came walking my way, what part of it I could work through and what part I couldn't. It helped me manage student emotions and expectations, distraught teachers, advisers and parents with unrealistic expectations. It just never translated, I never translated it, to my personal life.

I know a lot of people who are discontent in their life. Some own up to the choices they made (or are making) that contribute to that. Others seems determined to not only place the blame on others but to make their continued unhappiness known to anyone who will listen.

I wonder why as humans, because I know I am not the only one, it is easy to focus on the things outside of our control. To wish for what we don't have....to complain about the things we do...to admire the other side of the fence....to lose hope.

I'm stealing from Scott again (but they are soooo good!):

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just
show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.
You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.
~Anne Lamott~

1 comment:

Terina said...

i do this all the time, especially when i would rather not live in NC anymore and wish the army would just send us to germany for the rest of our time in. i should do what you did though. what were my wishes four years ago? two? i bet they have become a reality.